


Stupid

by BuckysMyBoy



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes's Notebooks, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, F/M, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt No Comfort, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Suicide, One step forward two steps back, Past Relationship(s), Past Torture, Pining, Quote: I'm with you 'til the end of the line, Quote: You’re Taking All The Stupid With You, Selectively mute Bucky Barnes, but he ignored in favor of a women that had moved on, but not really, like his best friend did, or was there?, really tho i hope his old brittle bones turn to dust, we hate endgame steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:26:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22823269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckysMyBoy/pseuds/BuckysMyBoy
Summary: Bucky figures out how stupid he’s been, believing Steve was the answer to all his problems.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	Stupid

**Author's Note:**

> sorry

“Don't do anything stupid 'till I get back.” Eighteen years of friendship, and they were ending it with an argument. Maybe that was the only way to end it, they needed some big crash and burn ending otherwise they would keep clinging onto each other. So Bucky said that — goodbye — not knowing what else to say to Steve who was so obviously upset. Bucky wasn't coming back, he had that feeling ever since he got his draft letter. Was this just it?

He turned and left.

”How can I?”

Bucky felt his heart beat in the throat. He should leave, just ignore Steve, and keep him here safe. He knew now that he was going, Steve's drive to get in the army would be even more than it already was.

At least if he got arrested he would be somewhat safe.

”You're taking all the stupid with you.”

They didn't need a crash and burn ending. After the crash, they barely burnt. They used some nasty, dirty water to put out the fire, then they were fine again for a while. 

The ending they needed was a self destruct.

Bucky should have left.

-

Bucky only had the heart to ignore two of Steve's letters.

_Hey,_

_Sorry I haven't been able to write, probably worried you a bit. Don't worry still alive and kicking, no way they are sending me back in a wood box. Been real busy though, if anything they're going to work me to death. Haven't had much time for anything. ~~Wish you were here~~ Wish I was with you ~~I still don't really want to be here~~ but it isn't all too bad here though._

Bucky wrote the first part on a new paper so Steve would see all the scribbles and wonder what he wrote at first. Then, he opened the two letters Steve had wrote, and answered back to them as thoughtfully as he could.

-

It was kind of funny that he was the one sick, and not Steve this time. Well, he couldn't really know if Steve was sick, but Bucky likes to think he wasn't.

But Bucky thinks he caught pneumonia. He's been coughing blood for... he's not sure how long, there were no windows down here. A few days at least, the inside of his sleeve is red.

He remembers when Steve got pneumonia, the second time was probably the scariest. The first time though, he didn't think Steve was going to make it. He was sick for almost a month, in bed and shaking, but his mom had been alive. She was a nurse. She was more equipped to deal with that than Bucky was. His mom had been a day away from asking the priest to come read Steve his last rites before Steve started getting better.

The second time —

"Get up." The guards said to the boy sitting next to Bucky.

They were taking people, but no one really knew where. The people never came back, and the guards always came looking for more.

The boy sitting next to him was barely eighteen, and he stared up at the guards with scared eyes. The guards said something and then were yanking the boy up.

The boy was small when he was standing, no taller than five foot four. He had dark blond hair and a skinny frame. Bucky was surprised he was even let into the army.

Bucky couldn't help but think the boy looked like Steve.

He knew it wasn't Steve, his Steve would stare those guards in the eyes and say ’you can try to make me’. And when they did, he would spit in their faces, he would scream and kick and punch.

The kid let himself be dragged up.

"Leave him alone." Bucky swears Steve is the one who had said that. But Steve wasn't here, and it was so distinctly his scratchy voice.

The guards laughed at him.

Bucky coughed again before he spoke again. "Let him go."

The guards took him instead.

He didn't care. He would cough all over them if he got the chance.

-

The is the second time Steve got pneumonia, it was worse though, his mom has been dead for almost a year now and he’s not sure if he is good enough to keep Steve alive. Steve’s already been sick for a week, but they were short on rent money so Steve went to work. He’s been pretending he didn't have it for a week until he started coughing blood and Bucky found his shirt stained.

Bucky lifted one of Steve’s shirts from the wash. 

Bucky had been terrified, he —

He felt a prick in his arm.

He realized he was not in his apartment with Steve. He was... somewhere else. He was having trouble remembering where. There was other things he was having trouble remembering too. He didn’t forget who he was though. 

The needle in his arm hurt. 

”Sergeant James Barnes 32557038.”

Someone's hands were on him, trying to stop his struggling. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He couldn't see anything, and after the prick all he heard was ringing.

”S... Sergeant James Barnes 32557038.”

Bucky could never forget Steve, only a handful of his memories were without Steve. Steve made up so much of his life, and there was no way he could just forget.

“S... sergeant James Barnes 325... 32557038.”

He could feel liquid flowing through the needle into his arm. It was cold, and every time he breathed, it hurt.

“S... sergeant J'mes Barnes 32557... 7038.”

He didn’t know how long he’s been here, and he didn’t exactly know where he is anymore. He just wants to go back to... um — his name, uh? —... Steve. He wants to go back home to Steve.

“S... sergeant... J'mes Barnes 32557... 7038.”

Bucky tried to focus in on what he remembered of Steve. Every time he did, everything would fade a bit more.

They pricked his arm again.

“S... s'gen' ja's bar's 32557...”

Three more pricks were added along with the first two.

 _“_ S... s'gen' ja's bar's 32557...”

Who was that?

Maybe that boy he was trying to not to forget.

Who was he trying not to forget?

 _“..._ 7...7038”

He wasn't sure. If he kept saying it, he wouldn't forget. 

_“_ S... s'gen' ja's bar's 32557–“

"Bucky... Oh my god." Pressure that he didn't know had been on his chest was gone.

"Hey, It's me. It's Steve."

"Steve."

-

When Bucky fell off that train, he thought that was his crash hand burn.

He definitely crashed, he remembers what it felt like to fall for however long he did. Pain exploded in his left arm, then his head. Then he was in the snow.

He burned for a while. He almost bled out in the snow.

He wondered when Steve would come and fix it all.

Then Hydra took him.

-

The blond man had said something that made him remember, _‘till the end of the line._

Remembering was —

“Mission report.”

Something shifted into place in his mind. He isn’t sure where it shifted because everything was mostly blank but- 

”Mission report, now.”

He was confused, he didn’t talk.

He was slapped.

”The man on the bridge...” _bucky?_ “Who was he?”

”You met him earlier this week on another assignment.”

”I knew him.”

”Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century, I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos, tomorrow morning we’re gonna give it a push, but if you don’t do your part, I can’t do mine.” The asset was supposed to care about that, but he didn’t. “And Hydra can’t give the world the freedom it deserves.”

”But I knew him.”

He did know him. He just wants to know why. He wants to know more, even if it was greedy.

”Prep him.” 

“He’s been out of cryo freeze too long.”

”Then wipe him and start over.”

— bad. 

Remembering hurt, made his head pound, and his weak hand want to shake. Watching the man fall into the river hurt more. He let go of the edge he was holding onto before his brain even gave him the okay to do it.

The asset watched the mans chest rise and fall once before disappearing into the trees to wait for one of the mans friends to come and find him.

Once they did, he ran.

-

About a year later, the asset was confused. He didn’t know who this blond man was, but he knew his face. He didn’t understand what he had said — “Then finish it ‘cause I’m with you ‘till the end of the line.” — but he knew his voice, knew his lips. He couldn’t read his emotions, but he knew his eyes. He fought him like the enemy, but he knew those hands throwing the punches. 

The asset’s head hurt. 

The blond man was tall _“I thought you were smaller,”_ but he used to be short.

He could see the short blond’s face. It was almost undeniable the same one as the man he pulled from the river. 

The asset remembers conversations with the man, staying up late, sitting on the fire escape and talking their lives away.

The asset remembers holding the man’s face in both his hands and kissing him until they both couldn’t breathe.

The asset remembers daring and bold blue eyes. Fiery determined eyes challenge anyone to even look at him the wrong way.

The asset remembers hugging the man, sharing a bed with him, patching him up after a fight. 

The asset may remember, but those were Bucky Barnes’ memories. The asset still writes down all those memories in detail, and decides to protect them with his life.

-

Another year later, and he wanted to be Bucky Banres. It was strange. At first, Bucky Barnes was just another person in his head. It wasn’t someone he had been. Shared memories, yes, but been the associated as the person, no. 

The asset started calling himself Bucky in his head.

”Morning,” Mr. Albert said to him in Romanian, the only language he spoke. Bucky didn’t mind, he understood the language. Mr. Albert was the man the ran one of the fruit stands. He sold the best apricots and plums. The blueberries, strawberries and bananas were good too.

Bucky offered him a smile.

Mr. Albert knew he didn’t talk, but that didn’t stop the man from trying to talk with him.

Some days, when Bucky didn’t work, Mr. Albert would invite him to come sit behind the stand with him. He would give Bucky the bruised fruits that were deemed unworthy, and let him eat them while he told Bucky stories.

He thinks Mr. Albert knew something was wrong with him, especially with the whole no talking thing. There was also that time he flinched when he handed him his change. He also kept his left arm in his pocket, but maybe that one wasn’t as obvious. 

Bucky stared at him for a second, but he could only smile at him again.

Mr. Albert started telling him about how his daughter, Jessica, was moving out in a few days. How his son, Gabriel, is doing great in school. How his other son, Daniel, was certainly not. Just updating him on what was going on with his life, something friends would do. Bucky knew that was a thing friends did because he remembers. He really did. 

Bucky nodded along to show he was listening.

”Can you stay today? I have a story about my daughter.”

Bucky thought for a moment. He had came to get breakfast, he had got used to eating everyday. He would get shaky now if he didn’t at least eat once a day. He used to go weeks without. 

He didn’t have time though, he had been offered a job to go help out cleaning the women’s house a few apartments down. The girl that usually did it for her was out of town a few days, and the women was too old to do it by herself. He could use the extra money, and there was no way he was just going to not show up. No matter how much he wanted to hear about Jessica. 

He frowned a bit. Then set his bag down to make a gesture. He made an upside down U movement with his hand, trying to get his point of ’later’across.

”Next time?” Mr. Albert understood immediately, already use to the nonverbal gestures after just about two years.

Bucky nodded. 

“I’ll see you then.”

Bucky cleared his throat a little. He’s not sure what came over him, he hasn’t talked in a good two years. 

“Thank you,” He mumbled out in Romanian. 

Mr. Albert look shocked. “Oh my god, He does speak,” the man exclaimed. It caught the attention of a few passer bys, it made Bucky blush. He smiled nonetheless.

He nodded a little bit, “My... uh.” He cleared his throat, sentences were too bold right now. He pointed to his chest, “Bucky.”

Hearing the name out loud felt surreal.

”Your name?”

He nodded. 

Mr. Albert reached across the counter and shook Bucky’s hand excitedly. Bucky barely flinched. He enjoyed the positive reaction to him talking. 

“Well, Bucky, it’s very nice to finally have a name for the face.”

Bucky nodded. He wanted to say more. This man has been nothing but kind and patient to him for two years. However, he felt like he was going to throw up just from the few words he got out. 

It didn’t matter if he said more or not. He wasn’t going to be seeing Mr. Albert anymore.

Any progress — any safety he felt — didn’t matter after that day was thrown out the window because he saw the newspaper.

The man was looking though his stuff. “Heads up, Cap, German Special Forces arrived.” Came from the comms in the mans ear.

“You know me?” It was _the_ man. From the river. From Bucky’s — his — memories. His memories. Steve was from his memories. He remembered Steve. He remembered Steve because he was Bucky. They were friends.

“You’re Steve.” Maybe talking did matter a bit, but he barely heard himself. He was terrified, on edge after see the newspaper saying he did something he didn’t. He wasn’t the asset anymore. There were no gaps in his memory. He had been in his apartment reading when the bombing happened. “I read about you in a museum.”

”They’ve set the perimeter,” the man in the comms reported.

”I know you’re nervous,” How dare he just read Bucky like that. “And you have plenty of reason to be. But you're lying.” Really, Bucky was about to die and here Steve was spilling everything out in front of him. 

“I wasn’t in Vienna, I don’t do that anymore.” He’s not the asset. He’s Bucky, he wanted to say. He didn’t want to give Steve hope though. He knows Steve has been looking for Bucky. While Bucky knows that he is Bucky, he can’t be how Bucky was.

None of that mattered. He was probably going to die. He wasn’t letting Hydra get their hands on him again. He would kill himself before going back to that.

“They’re entering the building.”

He really didn’t want to kill himself though. He built so much here. He had his apartment. He had what he thinks is a friend just down the street at the fruit stand, and he had the women a few apartments over that he would grocery shop for every week then stay for a cup of tea. He has his job cleaning windows in a building across town, and his other job helping maintain a school at night. He had so much other stuff, and he knew it all. These memories were his. He had a whole notebook for his life in Romania in his backpack under the floor board.

“Well the people that think you did are coming here now, and they’re not planning on taking you alive.”

”That’s smart, good strategy.” Better than going with Hydra.

He heard footsteps, then “They’re on the roof, I’m compromised,” from the mans comms. Bucky kept his heart rate calm.

“This doesn’t have to end in a fight, Buck.”

He didn’t remember Steve ever lying to him but he heard them at the door. “It always does.”

”Five seconds,” the man in the comms warned.

”You pulled me from the river. Why?” Many reasons. Main being he remembered Steve. He had remembered something, and after seventy something years of nothing, it had been concerning. It stood out to him. He hadn’t know what to do except save it. It being Steve.

“I don’t know.”

”Three seconds.”

”Yes you do.” Bucky remembers being the one to always call Steve on bullshit, not the other way around —

“I’m fine, Buck.” Skinny little Steve would say with black eyes, bruises, cracked ribs, fractured bones, split lips, and more.

”My ass you’re fine.”

In the present, the man in the comms was yelling.

There goes Bucky’s house.

He had to fight.

Then he literally jumped out the window. Everything was gone. Unsafe, as always.

He didn’t even fight when they pushed him down to his knees and took him away from his pathetic excuse for a life. 

\- 

He was being questioned, then the red book was in the man’s hands.

Russian was being spoke. 

“Longing.”

No.

”Rusted.”

Stop.

”Seventeen.”

“Stop,” He knows he said that one out loud for sure.

“Daybreak.” 

He could feel the words twisting in his head. He screamed, why, he wanted to ask, why him?

Then, he forgot everything that happened after that.

-

Steve fixed all his fuck ups, just like always. The asset got sent away still. He was dangerous.

The asset got a choice though, it was strange, the asset worked best when told what to do. It wasn’t much of a choice, however, there wasn’t anything else to do but go into back cryo.

Steve kept asking the asset if he was sure, and it definitely made it feel more like a choice. 

The asset tried to calm himself so Steve wouldn’t worry about him. He thinks that part was Bucky. 

They woke him up a second later and told him to fight. 

He didn’t know what he was fighting, but the asset didn’t ask questions. 

Steve was there, so he knew he was on the right side this time.

Then, he felt his body disintegrate.

A few seconds later, he was being put back together. A man he had never seen before was standing above him. 

“We have to go fight. Steve is in trouble.” 

Bucky Banres thinks, of course he is.

The asset just stands up and walks though the orange circle from the man’s magic hands. 

-

He wasn’t sure if he was Bucky or the asset. Steve pulled him aside after the battle, he looked emotionless. 

“Hi Buck, how you’ve been.”

”Chilling,” He tried for a joke. He remembers liking Steve’s laugh. 

Steve didn’t laugh. “Huh?”

”They just took me out of cryo.”

Steve looked concerned, “That was five years ago.”

”Oh.”

”You’ve been gone.”

”So I’ve heard.”

”You don’t remember?”

He — the asset, Bucky, whatever — has been doing so good at remembering. Maybe not as good as he thought. Had he really blanked out for five years? Definitely still the asset, then. He regretted it, he wanted to be getting better. They let him out of cryo for a second and he couldn’t go without orders. He really is meant to be the asset.

The asset stared blankly at Steve. “No. Sorry.”

”No, Buck it’s... it’s fine.”

”Did I do anything bad?”

”No, you helped us. In battle. You remember?”

”Yes but...” he meant before the battle. He knows the words weren’t out of his head yet, the smart princess had told him that much before she gave him the arm. “Never mind.” It didn’t matter, Steve looked upset with him, and he took that as an answer. 

“You were dead.”

”Oh.”

”For five years. A lot of other people were too.”

”I don’t feel dead.”

”We undid it.”

”Okay.” Nothing really surprised him at this point, too much bullshit going on for him to care anymore. 

“We took the stones from different points in time and we undid what Thanos did to everyone.” 

The asset stared at him. He did not need a mission report, he was just here to fight. To listen. 

“Okay.” He didn’t know what the stones were, but when he looked down at the ground Bucky resisted the urge to tell Steve that were plenty of stones on the ground. There was no need for a five year battle for them. He didn’t know who Thanos was or what he did, but he didn’t ask. The asset knew he probably wasn’t allowed to know if he didn’t already.

”Um, listen,” He hadn’t stopped listening, but he looked back up at Steve. “We had to time travel to go back and get the stones.” Time travel was a thing now. He wonders how long but doesn’t interrupt Steve. It’s okay, that science stuff was more of a love from Bucky, nothing that concerns that asset. “I am going to bring them back to where we took them. But um...”

Steve stopped, looking at the asset. He stared blankly back, then made a gesture for Steve to keep talking. He was surprised he didn’t get hit for rushing him. 

“I’m gonna return everything we took but I’m going to stay back in the forties. From the time I crashed the plane.”

Bucky... no, the asset blinked. “You’re leaving?”

The asset had been trying hard to recover for Steve. Went back in cryo so he could get better. He wanted to get better so he could live out life with Steve like before. Hadn’t they been dating? Bucky remembers kissing him.

”Yeah. But you’re gonna be fine Bucky. You got better, in cryo. Didn’t you?”

”Yes,” He lies, no point in telling Steve if he didn’t care. He felt his cheeks turning red, but he tried his best not to let them.

”Good, good, I’m glad. You’re free now, you can do whatever you want.”

That’s funny. He was probably going to find the princess and go back into cryo. He thinks he still wanted to better, but not right now. He needed orders. How could he just be free? What was he going to do if there wasn’t a fight? What was he going to do without Steve?

He chanced a question. “What are you going to do. In the forties?”

”Be with Peggy.”

Bucky thought they had been dating. He had memories of kissing Steve, cuddling Steve, and so many other things. He remembers going down to the diner and getting a milkshake with Steve. They would twist their feet together under the table. They would kiss when they got back home where no one would question it. He remembers that. Those memories were his. They had to be real.

The asset just blinks. “That’s good.” He wanted to ask Steve what about them. However, now he was doubting it. What if those memories were just wants, desires that he never acted on. “You deserve her.” 

He felt sick. He didn’t let it show on his face, just smiled at Steve. 

“Thanks Buck, always wanted to live out my life with someone.”

Bucky nodded, resisted the urge to tell Steve he was right he. 

He wasn’t Bucky, he was the asset.

He didn’t feel like the asset. 

He wasn’t sure. He just— he was going to spend as much time with Steve before the blond left. He wanted to remember what was real and what was fake. 

“When are you going?”

”Whenever Bruce is ready with the portal.”

”Oh.”

”Maybe a few hours.”

”What are you gonna do while you wait?”

”Try and say goodbye to everyone without telling them I’m leaving.”

”No one knows?”

”They probably won’t let me. Would want me here to be Cap.”

”I won’t tell,” He promised, he wanted Steve to be happy.

Steve hugged him, he felt nothing.

Steve smiled when he let him go, “I’ll tell you before I go.”

He could only nod. 

Steve started walking away. 

He wonders if this is how Steve felt when he left for the army. He hadn’t wanted to go to the army, but he still left. 

“Oh, one more thing.” Steve turned around, he looked so carefree. The asset thinks it’s better if he goes. If he stays, he would be worrying himself with how the asset was doing. He didn’t want to deal with the asset’s recovery, the asset didn’t even deserve to recover after everything he did. He think he understands Steve leaving now. “There’s not gonna be a Captain America anymore. I was wondering if you wanted the shield.”

He considered it. That means he would get to keep fighting, he wouldn’t just be put back into cryo because then he would have a use.

But Captain America had an image. A fearless leader. The asset was not a leader. He blindly followed. He was built to need orders, not to give them. Plus, everyone knew who he was and what he did. The job title was to be fearless, not to have everyone fear you.

”No.” 

“Oh. Okay,” Steve took a second, not looking at Bucky. “How would you feel if I gave it to Sam then?”

”He seems like a good man, he probably deserves it if you allowed him to be your friend.”

”What’s that supposed to mean?” Steve laughed. He was right, he did like Steve’s laugh.

The asset raised an eyebrow. “You used to look at people, daring them to look at you the wrong way. You only wanted to be around good people. Sam must have had the right look in his eyes.” 

Steve smiled, “Yeah.”

Bucky nodded in agreement.

”So you really don’t want it?”

”No.”

”You don’t mind it going to Sam?” 

“No.” 

“Okay, see you later, Buck.”

\- 

“Don’t do anything stupid ‘till I get back.”

”How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

He hugged Steve, even if he knew he probably wasn’t supposed to, he couldn’t just let Steve leave without one more hug.

The hug didn’t feel like the Steve Rogers hugs he remembered. Steve use to wrap his arms all the way around him, try to squeeze the life out of him. Hold him like he wanted to be even closer, then bury his face in his neck. Maybe not though, his memories weren’t right. He doesn’t think any of them happened. He knew Bucky Barnes was real, that he was friends with Steve before, but he’s not sure on anything other than that because that was told to him.

Steve hugged him quick, like he didn’t want to touch Bucky more than necessary. The asset thinks he Steve finally realized all the bad things he done defined too much of him for him to ever live up to Bucky Barnes ever again. 

”I’m gonna miss you, buddy.”

”It’s gonna be okay, Buck.” 

Steve left without a second glance. 

This right here, this moment, was their self destruct. 

**Author's Note:**

> my friend texted me randomly the other day saying that she now agrees with me that bucky and steve’s ending sucked ass. then we talked and complained about it for a long time and then i was sad about endgame for a really long time. so even though it’s close to a year late, i wrote an endgame fic •_•


End file.
